New life is coming!

I got some good feedback for what to write on next... and the common thread was wanting to hear about how God and His kingdom are at work in my life.  So I'm writing this quickly... just wanting to get something out here before I get too busy to blog again...

At our Tenebrae service on Good Friday, I prayed an old prayer.  One that I've prayed thousands of times in the last several years.  I prayed out of habit... "Lord, I thirst for freedom from these messages of shame and condemnation that play over and over in my mind."  At the end of the service, after all the candles had been extinguished, we were left with the question, "what is to become of the light of the world?"  And we left the sanctuary, saying, "we wait, we hope, we wait."

After the service, I sat on my front porch.  After a few moments of reflecting, I thought about that prayer I had prayed... and how I've been praying it for so long.  And then I noticed the moon was full.  In that full moon, I saw hope.  The light of the world had not left us in darkness.  He had left a light on... The sun to shine by day and the moon to shine by night.  As I stood to look up at the moon, the leaves on the tree in the front yard hung perfectly in front of the moon, creating the likeness of a gentle face.  My breath hung in my throat... and I recognized that God was breaking into my world and re-setting my reality to His.

I realized that the shame and condemnation are rarely there anymore.  I no longer hear the harsh voices of my parents around every corner.  I no longer make up all the possible things someone could mean by the words that they say.  I no longer dismiss my voice before it even comes out of my mouth.  Because Immanuel has been meeting with me in prayer.  He has been re-imagining my imagination.  He has been reshaping my memories.  He has been transforming my understanding of who I am and who He is.  He has been showing me how tender He is... how careful... how gentle... how merciful... how full of grace.  He has been triumphing over the horse and rider and He has been planting me on His holy mountain.  He has been making His presence real to me.  He has proven Himself to be Immanuel... God with me.

But I have always been a 'half-empty' kind of girl... and it's difficult for me to take my eyes away from what He hasn't yet done for long enough to truly celebrate what He HAS done.  As long as we choose to dwell on what has not yet been accomplished, it’s hard to keep hope… difficult to keep from slipping into despair.  When we dwell on what’s still wrong, the enemy pursues…

But Immanuel has been reminding me to celebrate.  Choosing to gather stones of remembrance.  To speak aloud what He has done and is doing.  And as I choose to celebrate, I find myself beginning to see the fullness more than the emptiness.

The fruit is blossoming... it's beginning to emerge in whites and pinks, paper thin petals preceding any seeds or flesh.  In the blossoms, there is hope for continued healing.  (and a few months ago, I would have deleted this whole paragraph along with this picture for fear of it being too 'feminine' and therefore easily dismissed.)

Like a gathering spring storm, He is condensing my identity into clouds... collecting sparks of courage inside the gray... and pooling the baptismal waters into thick heavy drops... new life is coming...

It's already sprinkling.

Where do you feel it in your life?

Breaking the Silence

It's been over a month since my last post... and I've been trying to figure out what to do to break the silence.  This happens to me on facebook and google + as well.  As long as I'm updating regularly, I don't get paranoid about what I write... but when there's been a span of silence, I actually have thoughts like... "is this worth breaking the silence?"  Ridiculous... I know.

But it's happened here, on my blog.  I was going steadily for quite some time... and now, silence for almost 2 months.  I need help breaking the silence.  I've had some ideas... but don't know which one to settle into.  So... what do you, as readers want to see here?  (If there ARE any readers).

- more about Immanuel prayer and my experiences of the Lord's healing?
- more about being a woman in leadership?
- more about how God speaks to me in sermon prep?
- more about homeschooling / being a Mom?
- something entirely different - any thoughts? questions?

I'd appreciate your help in knowing what would be of interest to those who visit here...