Exploring my failure of nerve

“The word decision means literally ‘to cut away.’  When one makes a decision, one is making choices, which includes the choice of being willing to give something up… the less confidence leaders have in their ability to stand alone after they make a decision, the less likely they are to make one.” – Edwin Friedman

When I read this, a lightbulb went on…  and revealed an ugly and scared place that desperately needs the wilderness of Lent.

I have a love / hate relationship with decisions.  I can be fairly decisive (or is it impulsive) and then agonize over whether I made the right choice… or, I can be extremely hesitant to decide because I don’t want to eliminate any possibilities.

As an example, we recently decided to buy a new washing machine.  And so I started doing research into a new washing machine: brands, reliability, features, cost, stores, warranties, etc.

I bought a washer / dryer pair at a deep discount at a local appliance store and scheduled the delivery for two weeks later.  

One week later, I had gotten my money back and canceled the delivery… deciding we didn’t actually NEED a new washer. The one we currently had actually worked.  It cleaned our clothes well enough.  It didn’t need quarters.  It seemed like a ‘white people problem’ to even consider buying a new machine. 

One week after that, I was back in the store, buying another washing machine...

This is a ridiculous example of my failure of nerve.

As I’ve started reading this book, I keep recognizing myself as a leader who lacks nerve.  I haven’t yet worked through whether, as Christ followers, we are called to be the kind of leaders that Friedman is calling for, but I am taking his criticisms to heart.

This fear of standing alone after the decision is made… (and I'm not talking washing machines here, I'm talking parenting, ministry, relationships - everything) is the wilderness where I need to go and meet God during this Lenten season.  This is the fear that cripples me as a leader… especially because I think I fall into the lie of believing that I stand alone.  What would God be able to do through me if I stopped fearing the fall out of decisions... and willingly entered the sabotage and suffering that will surely follow any truly courageous choice?