Over the last few years, as my community has called me into more
leadership and entrusted me with more responsibility, I have begun to see that I am
often hindered by a deep mistrust of myself. It has caused me to doubt the work of God in me because I’m
so afraid I’m going to get in the way, mess it up… or, I have ended up feeling
like I have to try to live up to the expectations that other people have for
me. I have thought to myself, “If
they only knew how incompetent I am, they would run me off.”
I have struggled to embrace the gifting of God in me.
I have known that, in order for the Holy Spirit’s ministry
to be released in me, I would need to start unpacking where this deep
insecurity was coming from…
I had some suspicions:
early loss of my father, upheaval as a kid, a second father who often
yelled at me… strong Calvinist up-bringing…
I began exploring co-dependency and what I found was hugely
discouraging. But when I started
seeing these habits in almost everyone I knew, I also started to wonder if the
whole world was co-dependent. It
felt so thick, so deep, so impossibly dark.
A friend in our community had been telling me about
Immanuelhealing prayer. Finally, I asked
her to pray with me… I was skeptical about whether or not He would show
up. My Calvinist upbringing taught
me to believe in and talk about the Heavenly Father… to believe and understand
that God works in and through His people as a collective… but there was never
any expectation that He would encounter individuals… and very little talk of
Jesus, beyond His work at Calvary.
But God surprised me… I was shocked at how personal His
interaction was.
And even though I had a sense of Him as Father in that
experience, I suddenly wondered if I might be able to meet Jesus… the Jesus
that other people talked about knowing.
And so I began to pursue learning more about the Immanuel
approach. I read
OutsmartingYourself, by Dr. Karl Lehman. Then
I went and received some training from
Alive and Well and had the opportunity
to pray with others in a practice group setting. Some women in my community asked me to pray with them. The Lord showed up and did dramatic
work in their prayers. And I began
to find Jesus… playful, tender, strong, and powerful. Immanuel is becoming real to me… not just a concept. He is really with me… with us all.
It’s in this Immanuel approach to living that I am finding
that Jesus really means it when He promises that when two or three are gathered
in His Name, He is there.
It’s in this Immanuel approach that I’m discovering that
kids have the right idea when they always answer every question in a church
setting with “Jesus?” Jesus really
is the answer. Encountering our
risen Lord and learning to fellowship with Him, learning to hear from Him and
receive from Him really is the answer to all of our brokenness.
In her book,
Immanuel: A Practicum (if you follow the link, click on the book title in the left sidebar), Patricia Velotta writes: "When we are overwhelmed, both in our current lives and in unresolved places from our past, Jesus takes us to the source of our trouble and opens our eyes to see that he has always been with us and is with us now. He always overcomes the world by bringing us into truth and drawing us to himself. He always is the unexpected solution."
It’s in the understanding and presence of Jesus that I am finding the
deepest healing. If Immanuel
really is with us, then He understands what actually happens in all of my life…
and in His knowing, He changes my perceptions of my past – which
increases peace in my present and compels me to hope for the future.
During one prayer time, I was wrestling with this deep
mistrust of myself. I asked the
Lord what He wanted me to know about this and He brought forward a memory of
when I was a little girl. I had
done something in a moment of desperation and I had been severely scolded for
my poor choice. “How could you be
so stupid? What were you
thinking?” Disgust hung thick in
the air…
But when I went there with Jesus, He said something
different to me. In the middle of
that shame and humiliation, He was
glad to be with me. And He told me how clever my solution
had been. He was impressed by my
quick thinking. He understood what
I had been trying to do. I didn’t
‘see’ Him in this memory, but I knew He was with me… and I had the sense that
if I could see Him, He would be chuckling… delighted with me.
And as I experienced His delight, I was overcome with
compassion for the people who were doing the yelling. I was surprised as I found the words, “Lord, forgive them…
they have no idea.” I have
resented the people from this memory… I have been angry about how insensitively
this story has been shared throughout my lifetime… but, suddenly, I was able to
forgive them… because Immanuel had given me His perspective.
If there hadn’t been a witness, I don’t think I would be
able to believe it happened. But
that’s the beauty of the Immanuel approach… talking with Immanuel in the
presence of a witness… a brother or sister in Christ who can stand with me and
say, “yes, that really happened. I
was there.”
The trickle-down effect of this prayer experience continues
to fill me with wonder. And there
have been others that have been equally surprising and powerful. I stand amazed at the attentiveness,
the creativity, the tenderness, the strength, and the victory of Immanuel.
Jesus is willing to heal us… to gives us more of
Himself. He is ready and able to
overcome the pain of our past. He has
gone to such great lengths to be with us.
So the only question we need to ask ourselves is… are we willing to meet
Him?
What might happen if more of us (even all of us) became
securely attached to Jesus? What
might the Church look like if we were able to practice His presence and receive
His tenderness and mercy… deepen our connection / companionship with
Christ? How might all of our human
relationships be transformed if they were built on this unshakable
foundation? What if we could be
truly present with others because of Jesus’ presence with us? Christ in us, the hope of glory. How would his mission go forth if we truly knew his presence with us?
